Blood pressure: 124 over 82
Weight: 310 < Haven’t gained any so yay! I’ve been watching what I put in my mouth and have been getting some energy back so I’ve been moving a bit more…. Got my blood test results back, everything is just fine, my glucose is great, everything is just dandy….. my blood type is AB positive which I had forgotten so I figured I should go ahead and record that here….
Confirmed Due date: July 30th!! That puts me at 15 weeks tomorrow, which is a whole two week jump!!
We did an ultrasound today and got to hear the babies heart beat just a beating away!! 144 beats per minute….got to see it waving it’s tiny arm up in the air, and stretching out a leg…. Had a pap smear and a breast exam today too, so I’ll get those results next time… I go back in four weeks to get my quad screen and a check up.
It was so great to hear the babies heartbeat and see it moving around in there…. put my mind more at ease… I can’t stop smiling like an idiot, so happy, so, so in love…
I am: Jade, hard to wake up, fascinated with everything, overly excited, happy as hell, aspiring photographer
:Artish stuffs: :Mah face: :Real life: :Baby Juno:
I love: My children, my husband, Art, Music, Life, Light, dreadlocks, creatures of all shapes and sizes, water, nature, mother earth.
<3 I love you, I love you, I love you.
Blood pressure: 124 over 82
You know that feeling that you get when you hear something that you should be happy about, but that actually hurts you, and there’s this tightness right in your chest, permeating to you stomach, a pain down to your core, and there’s nothing you can really do except smile and pretend that everything’s fine?
Yeah, I’ve got that right now.
One of my coworkers is pregnant. And a plethora of other ladies I work with just had babies… and a bunch of others have been for the past year… This news comes right after my husband and I are sort of trying to conceive again. Not that we have REALLY been trying, but I think secretly I have…..I feel so conflicted. On the one hand, I want to be happy for her. On the other hand, hearing her talk about picking out baby names and preparing for the baby is making me so incredibly sad.
She isn’t on our team, but I see her all the time, and I’m about to do a maternity photo shoot with her…..and so for the next month or so, this pain will be unavoidable. I feel like my heart is breaking every time I think about it. Maybe some part of me knew and was warning me about it this morning, because I woke up at 6 AM thinking about baby Jude, and how he doesn’t exist, how he might never exist, the day i find out ‘its a boy’, the circumstances surrounding it, and kicking myself for ever going on that goddamn depo shot.
I’m turning into one of those crazy women, crazy and obsessed with babies, with fertility, with tracking my dates and monitoring every little twinge and change in my body. Am I or am I not? Could I be pregnant this cycle? There’s about a week left until I find out, and I’m already extremely nervous. I had already mentally prepared myself to anticipate the day. And with this news, I know, I just know that I’ll be crying uncontrollably when it doesn’t progress. Or maybe I’ll be crying regardless.
It’s like a piece of my heart has been ripped out of my chest, and the wound gets tugged on every time I hear about anything related to the topic of pregnancy or baby or kids. My husband worries about me (maybe?) or he thinks I’m being silly and I shouldn’t worry, because we haven’t really officially ‘tried’. But I have been. I really have. I want to meet him. I want a little boy. I want to clean his dirty face and fuss at him for tracking mud in the house or collecting all the bullfrogs in the yard. I want to look into his big beautiful eyes as he nurses and sing songs to him about love and light and all the amazing things this world has to offer.
This pain makes me feel guilty, as well. If we have another girl, I’ll be thrilled just as well… And I love my already existing daughters fiercely…. but the fact that they are so beautiful, funny and amazing only makes me want to pump more amazing children out. The world needs more love-lights and my kids carry it in large doses.
ANOTHER girl at work is pregnant. In the past year, that makes, hmm, lessee…11. Four of which I work with quite closesly. ITS KILLING ME. I want to have another baby so much. I’m having a real hard time mentally with my life right now. Having a hard time finding a house or duplex in mid-city that’s affordable, allows pets, allows kids, and isn’t in serious ghetto. Baton rouge is so spotty. I don’t mind being close to it, as poverty doesn’t equate criminal behavior, but certain areas have really gone downhill in the past few years as far as murder rates… and I have to keep the girls in mind… Oh man. I need a new place, and a new vehicle if I’m even going to think about having another baby… it’s probably a wise decision to wait until we move to portland, but it’s hard to be wise about something you want so badly… Ugh.
Oh man oh man, Baby Ava’s photo shoot today was amazing. So many faces! And she’s adorable. Totally made up for yesterdays disappointment!
Don’t know what you have until it’s gone takes on a new meaning. Dreams of rivers and husbands and newborn laughter, perfect peace, bliss of something my primitive part craves … gone without a loving thought cast in it’s direction… confirmation makes it sting…..akin to a thousand bees descending in one small moment of realization….. then spiraling into neediness….. where are the ones on who to lean…… my chromosome share-ers, my hormonal relate-ers……none to be found……deep breaths….. control ones self….. self reliance is underrated…… everything will be fine mantras…..but feel so utterly alone.